Hugs to you ((((((Mia))))))))

Rags wrote:

Not a problem that DW and I have ever had.  However, if I was married to a prior failed family breeder with an open wallet to their adult failed family spawn and one Cent of marital income or resources went to that Skidult without my prior approval, it would be game on.  Or more likely, game over if it every happened a second time. 

Once a couple marries, income and resources are marital resources and decisions on spend are joint decisions.  IMHO. Of course, there may be mitigating history that impacts or adjusts that model somewhat. But the basic model is a nonnegotiable IMHO.

For us it was simple from the beginning. We married 5 days before SS turned 2yo.  We had my starting wage right out of college, my newly printed BSEE degree, two 8yo cars, and two apartments worth of college furniture.  That was it.  So from day one any income was marital income.  Expenditures were discussed if they were anything other than regular living expense and bill stuff.

That has been our model for 31+ years.  Though I do break that rule periodically when I go a little nuts on a surprise gift or trip for my incredible bride.  I'm easy.  I don't have any passion points of consumption that burn money.  Except to honor and surprise her.

If we gift for the kid, we discuss it.  If we gift to family, we discuss it.  Car purchases, we discuss.  Travel, we discuss.

There would be no pipelines of resources to  adult kids in my world.  Not without very intense deep detailed discussion with clear agreement.  IMHO each partner has absolute veto rights and once one plays the veto, that is it. Unless the veto is pulled.  No, means no. Any pressure from the partner opposing the veto would be extremely risky and would face notable unpleasant consequences from the one that invoked the veto.

Simple. Black and white. No gray.  Once married, it is not his money, or her money. It is their money.  It is not his decision, or her decision, it is their decision.  It only gets spent if they both say it gets spent, and how it gets spent.

 

Especially because DH had minor children when we married, we kept separate bank accounts. We opened a special joint "for housing renovations and vacations" account after we had been married 15 years. lol. 

I love giving gifts, so for years I was the shopper for all/most gifts and foolishly put my own money into it. SD would open gifts I had purchased that were clearly from me only or from the both of us and she would thank only DH. He would correct her and she ignored his corrections. She even did that about meals/food. 

We had a big Christmas one year with other family members over (BM only allowed the skids to spend one holiday with us through all these years--she didn't realize she was doing us a favor). Skids were not there. We're all opening presents and there is one from SD and one from SS. DH assumes these gifts are for the both of us (announces this) because there are no packages with my name on them. DH opens the gifts:  a pair of men's slippers and some other male-oriented gift. He was so embarrassed. He called the skids later and (I don't think this was the right approach at all) and told them if they couldn't acknowledge me during the holidays not to acknowledge him. So, that gave them an out and for several years they didn't acknowledge him. SS never sent another gift, and SD creeped back in with "softer" games (cookies only DH likes with the message, "Your favorites!"--BS like that). Yea, the real issue was not addressed. Oh well.

*Strange that SS recently had a birthday and spent it alone in his new place. He told DH that the phone calls he received really lifted his spirits. He bought himself a donut. Sorry to say, I thought: THIS is what happens when you act the way you've acted all these years. It's always a one-way street with these people. 

There were so many awful gifting games and evil darts thrown at me that I finally gave up. I don't need to "be the better person." I need to be the "gone person."
As mentioned, I don't even sign birthday and holiday cards anymore. But my photo will be on the card DH sends to them this year. . . muhahaha. 

 

Kes wrote:

Like you Mia, I love getting gifts for people and try to get something that will be special to them, that they will like.  I did this for the SDs in the early years - well, really a lot longer than that actually - I recall getting SD30 an 18th b'day present.  But that was the last one.  Prior to that I'd had no presents from them - either b'day or Xmas - or else passive aggressive presents at Xmas - either things that were obviously secondhand from the back of one of BM's cupboards - like a small, dusty bottle of vinegar - or things they'd spent £1 on at a cheap shop.  I never got a birthday present or card from either of them.  Like you, I no longer sign cards to them, DH signs for me, if he wants.  

I think I remember the dusty vinegar story. I can't help it -- I laughed. Because it is so LUDICROUS. What kind of person does that?!?!? 

StandingStrong wrote:

Ugh. I still get triggers. Not as often but it aggravates me that I still get triggered by these people. Not much to add....just sending you a virtual hug and letting you know you aren't alone. 

Appreciate that. Thank you.